Copyright Dr. Bryan Maier, 2023
“I’ve got 15 minutes, wow me!” We would never consciously think of talking to God that way and yet, when we are challenged to practice the spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude, we often approach these practices with just such a demanding posture. Why?
There are probably many reasons, but for most of us, our current way of life undoubtedly contributes significantly. Our culture seems to require more and more time and focus. We protest that we are too busy to add one more thing to our already overburdened schedules. Time is precious (we claim) and thus only that which provides a clear return on investment is worth adding to our spreadsheet or “to do list.”
Additionally, silence and solitude for the Christian are spiritual disciplines—that is, they are to be practiced in the presence of God. Thus, the Christian embraces these disciplines to connect with God, and this expectation brings with it some unique challenges. In this article, I will explore three of these challenges and three possible responses.
First, most believers are out of practice. The more common spiritual disciplines such as Bible study, prayer, and getting together with other believers—while presenting challenges of their own—usually find their ways into our routines even with the occasional lapses. However, when it comes to silence and solitude, since many of us practice it so seldom, we lose the familiarity and thus the muscles required tend to atrophy. Eventually we no longer know how to be alone and quiet with ourselves, let alone God.
As mentioned before, the classic argument is that “life is busy,” but this argument has been weakened in the last fifteen to twenty years with the advent of social media. Thanks to our devices, we have a means to fill up every minute of the day, and most of us do. If life is so busy, where do we find all the time to be on social media? How many people bemoan the time spent on their phones all the while protesting that their schedule is too full?
As difficult as it is to form and maintain new habits, this is probably the easiest challenge to address. Applied behaviorism (or good old-fashioned discipline) can and often does change our behavior. Our neural networks are plastic and can be formed and reformed with practice. It is not a coincidence that the popularity of various forms of “Thirty days to a better quiet time” corresponds with research claiming that if one practices a behavior for thirty days, it becomes easier rather than harder to perform the activity on the thirty-first day. Changing habits is thus difficult but not impossible.
The second and much more challenging barrier is that God does not limit himself to our time and interest. In other words, when we actually rearrange our schedule to fit him in for a few minutes, often God does not show up when we want him to. And when he does, what he brings seems not all that interesting to us. No one likes being ghosted, and when it feels like God has ghosted us, it is tempting to conclude that our time was wasted. At least on social media we could have learned which American states have the tastiest hamburgers.
But, for many of us, it is not just the time requirement that God seems to get wrong. We may also long for better personal “chemistry.” Whether we want to admit it or not, we often come to God expecting a buzz (or at least some level of dopamine rush) rather than just being alone with him however he wants to use the time. When we are used to non-stop stimulation and entertainment, we want God to provide an experience that can at least compete with scrolling through social media. For example, simply reading a passage of scripture out loud five times and focusing on what is stirred up during the reading can seem repetitive, purposeless, and maybe even boring. In such situations, social media (or anything else) can seem like a better use of our time than just sitting alone waiting for a God who may or may not show up.
The hope is to remember something that we may have strategically forgotten: God only meets us on his terms, not ours. So we have to approach him with a posture of eager expectation but not selfish demand. He insists on setting the agenda and running the meeting. Fifteen minutes alone with God may include a deep emotional experience, but it may not. If not, was the time a waste? God gets to decide that.
One of my favorite classes during my doctoral studies was a class on spiritual formation. I will never forget when the professor claimed that the goal of spiritual disciplines is not to make anything happen, much less to manipulate God into doing something, but rather to create space and give that space to God to do with as he pleases—even if it seems to us that nothing happened. In a culture that steals so much of our time, silence and solitude with no demands can actually be an act of offering and worship.
The third barrier is related to the second. It is not just boredom that rears its ugly head while we are waiting for God in silence and solitude. Often when we are quiet, parts of ourselves that we would rather not face or embrace begin to percolate their way to the surface of our conscious awareness. Many of us spend most of our waking hours trying to suppress or distract from these very feelings. Why would God seem to procrastinate his meeting with us knowing the potential for unwanted thoughts and feelings to haunt us while we wait?
Could it be that this is what God is up to all along? Maybe knowing him is not always a mountaintop experience but sometimes consists of a somber reflection on what God wants us to face under his holy microscope. How many of us mean it when we pray, “Search me oh God and know my heart. Try me and see if there is any wicked way in me”? (Psalm 139:23-24). This is a dangerous prayer that should not be offered lightly.
I conclude with a couple clarifying comments. First, I am not advocating a return to old fashioned legalism. God wants us to practice these disciplines not just to check off a box but rather as a response to his invitation to a relationship. God wants to know us and he wants us to know him (Jeremiah 9:23-24) . What is so encouraging is that our redeemed heart also wants to be in the presence of God. To paraphrase Augustine’s famous phrase, our hearts are indeed restless until we find our rest in him.
Second, I am also not providing a clear step-by step-process that will instantly make us experts at silence and solitude. Such formulas often emphasize what we are to do rather than what God has done and is doing for us. They also rarely work, and when they don’t, there is an added layer of shame fueled by the conclusion that we somehow did not follow the formula correctly.
Instead, recognizing our ultimate dependence on God—even in practicing spiritual disciplines—perhaps the best way forward is to pray that God will feed the pre-existing, Spirit-derived desire that we already have for him. We can pray that our hearts can resonate with David’s words, “As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God” (Psalm 42:1). If so, silence and solitude might calibrate our hearts a little more toward a God who wants to know us and quicken our passion to know him more.
Dr. Bryan Maier, LPC is a counselor at ServingLeaders’ Willow Grove office and an Associate Professor at Cairn University. Bryan has been working in the mental health field for 30 years specializing in marital issues, addiction, trauma, and pastoral counseling. He earned his Doctorate in Psychology and his MA in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton Graduate School. He also earned his Master in Biblical Counseling and Master of Divinity from Grace Seminary and a BA in Bible from Cedarville University. Having served in professional ministry throughout his career, Bryan has experienced the unique stressors that accompany ministry leadership first hand. He is honored to be a safe listening ear and a "shepherd to the shepherds."