Are you–or someone you love–planning an upcoming return from the mission field? Or maybe you recently returned from living abroad and are feeling a little lost. I’ve been there. We rightfully expect culture shock when entering a new country but are, oftentimes, caught off guard by “reverse culture shock.” In this article I specifically address missionaries returning from the field, but these reflections may also be helpful if you are a pastor or ministry leader who has sent or received missionaries and recognize that their experiences have given them “fresh eyes” for the culture in America and perhaps even discomfort in your church or ministry.

In 2016, I left my home in Pennsylvania to move to Italy to serve on a missional anti-trafficking team as their Project Manager and Event Coordinator. In order to earn the trust of the local community and fully immerse myself in Italian culture, I had to change my apparel, food intake, daily routine, language, and communication style (not to mention learn to think in Kilograms, Celsius, and Euros to avoid being totally lost).

When I returned to the States after two years, I had assumed it would be fairly straightforward to ease back into life in PA. After all, it had been my home for 20+ years prior to moving overseas, right? Well, I was in for a surprise. Re-entry was both messy and confusing. I had worked so hard to establish new habits in Italy and to see the world through a different value system that prioritized relationships over efficiency in tasks. Did I have to throw that all away? Why did the US suddenly feel like a foreign culture, and why did it feel like no one understood me?

Here are five tips on re-entry that I wish someone had shared with me prior to my return to the US. Whether you’re re-entering your country of origin or walking alongside someone who’s returning from a season abroad, my aim is to serve you with an insider’s perspective on re-entry and help you to know you are not alone.

Don’t be surprised if you don’t “fit in” like before.
You might look like you fit in (because of your skin color, accent, or history with a particular region), but it’s possible you’ll never feel so out of place as you do during re-entry. I wrote a poem called “Belonging” while reflecting on this very concept, and it has resonated with many who’ve returned from living abroad. Here are some excerpts:

What does it mean to truly belong?
Surely it reaches beyond
Race and place
Traditions and talk
Culture and context.

One may find himself
surrounded by blood relatives
in his passport land
in a comfortable house
And yet not feel at home.

One may find herself
Surrounded by people who
Look like her
Sound like her
Use the same expressions
And attribute the same meanings to nonverbals
Yet she struggles to communicate
And they struggle to understand.

Others try to tell him where he belongs
But they don't know.

Others try to convince her she wants what her hometown craves
But oh they have no idea.

You will forever be a different person because of the unique experiences that shaped you during your time abroad, but you will find your people once again–even if they are among those you least expect. Be open. Be authentic. They’re out there.

2. Expect language mix-ups, and learn to laugh them off.

Because different languages follow different grammatical structures and are highly influenced by cultural ideas, you may find yourself using English words in a totally wacky way. I remember saying things like “I have so much hunger” instead of “I’m so hungry,” or “I’ll meet you at the moving stairs” when I couldn’t remember the word for “escalator.”

Rather than getting frustrated, remind yourself that you haven’t used these words in a long time and that you are working hard to keep up in English. In the same way you had to humble yourself while learning a foreign language, it’s ok to allow people to laugh at your well-intentioned but ridiculous-sounding phrases. Leverage those moments as an opportunity to bond with them by demonstrating vulnerability. Linguistic challenges can signal cultural differences to pay attention to as you re-engage with American life.

3. A foreign language will enhance your experience of English…even if it’s messy.

I’ve been back in the US for five years now and still have inclinations to use words and phrases that don’t exist in English. Rather than stuffing these away, I like to–at times– invite those around me into the experience as well.

When the only words coming to my mind are in Italian, I’ll say, “There’s a phrase in Italian to express [insert emotion or experience]. It goes something like [insert your best attempt at a literal translation]. I want to use it with you now but don’t know quite how to convey it in English.”

I’ve found that, typically, these exchanges are very sweetly received, because they allow me to humbly communicate what’s on my heart even when words fail and when a literal translation sounds clunky. Many times, the other person will reply with something like, “You just conveyed it. I’ve never heard that before, but I know exactly what you mean.”

These opportunities have the potential to create bonds of understanding when friends taste–even if just for a moment–a piece of what you’re experiencing in re-entry. Also, as with all aspects of our lives, a cultural expansion of language may help us express important truths about spiritual life that can enhance our worship and bless our communities.

4. People and relational dynamics change.

Remember how you had to leave behind so much of what you loved and valued in order to be received by a foreign people? You made consistent, conscious sacrifices to “become like” (1 Corinth. 9:20-22) the people you were serving in order to love them well. If you left the US to live abroad, you may have had to leave behind your sense of individualism, your assumptions around time, your expectations regarding customer service, or social cues that were considered odd or offensive to locals in your host country.

While you were busy changing to “fit in” abroad, the wonderful people you left behind had been changing, too. When I moved back from Italy, I remember expecting people I’d known for years to be more or less how I had left them, but was instead surprised to discover that some dear friends no longer considered themselves believers or that trusted mentors had adopted convictions contrary to what they had taught me.

Brace yourself for the reality that those with whom you enjoyed mutual hobbies may now participate in new ones with a different group of people. You may wonder about your place among loved ones who got married, had children, or moved while you were abroad. You may find people have become more interested in their careers than their social lives, or it might feel like other key priorities have changed, making it hard to connect like before.

In the same way that you want people to give you grace for the ways in which you’ve changed, it’s important to offer them this same grace as well. I remember how joyful it was to give up my American values and social etiquette to love foreign locals on the mission field but how hard I had to work to love those in my home country again. I needed to implement what I learned overseas about observing cultures and be just as intentional (and joyful) about sacrificing my own wants and desires in order to love people of my own nationality well.

5. You don’t have to go all the way back to how you did things before you left…and this will actually be a blessing to you and others.

While you will likely be working hard to reintegrate back “home” after living abroad, there may be certain elements of life overseas that you choose to incorporate into your new life, and that’s ok.

One aspect of Italian cuisine that I particularly grew to love was their espresso. Since it’s not very common to go out for an espresso in the US (somehow, Americans find them too small), I make it for myself every morning as a way to continue enjoying a sweet tradition I established overseas.

During my final week in Italy, I bought three different sizes of moka pots so that I could share my tradition with friends back home. Now, when I host, I usually ask my guests “Can I offer anyone hot tea, coffee in the french press, or espresso on the stovetop?”

This is a really easy way to love my American friends, because I offer them what they’re used to but also invite them to try something different without cornering anyone into embracing an aspect of my experience that they don’t want to. While I will never be offended if my guests choose one of the first two options, it does bring me great joy to share my Italian espresso with those who’ve never sipped out of tiny mugs or seen coffee made on the stovetop.

Everyone may experience re-entry differently, and these are just a fraction of the tips I wish someone had briefed me on during the re-entry phase. As you process your experiences and notice how you have changed as well as those around you, I encourage you to take time to grieve losses and celebrate victories. We so often pursue mission experiences to be part of what God is doing to transform others and don’t realize how much work He’s going to do in us. If you find yourself in need of support, the team at ServingLeaders is here to help. We have counselors on staff who have experienced the difficulties of re-entry, and Missionary Care & Counseling Associates, Carl and Caroline Kishbaugh, who are available to provide care, counseling, personal debriefing, and consultations for member care workers and leadership seeking to develop counseling and crisis response protocols, child safety strategies, sexual wholeness initiatives, and more.

This post is Part 1 of a two-part series about re-entry from the mission field. In Part 2, I will share stories and helpful do’s and don’ts for those receiving a loved one back from an overseas mission.

Esther Yoder is the Assistant Operations Manager for ServingLeaders. She earned her BA in Communication from West Chester University and spent 10+ years engaged in Process Improvement efforts, National Events and Program Management, and HR Operations within corporate, startup, nonprofit, and overseas mission contexts. Esther is dedicated to building systems and strategies that promote efficiency and position teams for optimal sustainability and scalability. She serves on the leadership team at her church and is passionate about languages, travel, and fostering deep relational connections. Esther has been to 49 of the 50 states and has spent time in over 30 countries (and counting!).