When You Have Been Hurt: Five Questions to Ask When You Have Been Offended, Hurt, or Are In Conflict

Relational pain is common. Most of us have experienced being hurt, or have walked with loved ones and friends who have experienced significant offenses from others in their lives. At ServingLeaders we provide counseling and mediation services to help individuals, ministry teams, and families who have been in, or are currently experiencing, significant conflict and pain. While our overall goal is to facilitate healing between wounded parties, we also help each participant to engage in significant reflection on their own experiences, wounding, and heart.

Here are five reflection questions we often ask that may help anyone seeking to navigate moments of conflict and pain with love, integrity, wisdom, honesty, and compassion:

1. Can I “Zoom Out” From My Own Pain and See a Broader Picture of the Situation?

When we are hurt by others it is normal to feel our own pain most acutely. We often want to react to the other person out of anger, or retain bitterness against the person who hurt us. This question asks us to “zoom out” from focusing only on our own pain and expand our lens to see the broader view of the situation, which then helps us to develop compassion for the “offending” person and see the situation with clarity and truth.

Growing in compassion toward the offender can include gaining greater understanding and empathy for their family of origin, background, and situation. As we work to expand the scope of our own lens, the following question prompts can assist us in reflecting more deeply:

What could have caused the offending person to act in this way? What was his/her motivation?
What may have happened in his life that caused him to be this way?
What was her family of origin like?
What was he trying to accomplish when this happened?

2. Has the Offense Inflamed My “Raw Spot?” This might make my response feel (and be) out of proportion to the offense.

A raw spot is a significant injury in our past that sensitizes us to certain experiences, perceptions, words, and even facial expressions we encounter in the present. When that raw spot is touched, it hurts out of proportion to what someone else might feel in a similar situation, or what we ourselves feel in different situations. When I (Dave) did martial arts decades ago, I was kicked in the elbow and sustained an injury to my ulnar nerve (the funny bone). Even today, years later, if someone lightly brushes against my elbow it is excruciating–it feels as if someone is holding a flame under my finger. I will appear to react way beyond someone who has not had that injury. That is a physical “raw spot.”

Similarly, there may be an area in your life where you have been hurt and have an emotional raw spot. Emotional raw spots could include feeling that you are not being heard, that you are being left out or ignored, or that someone is being rude to you. For example, if you have been betrayed in a romantic relationship, you may feel the same depth of pain when you perceive that betrayal to be happening again, even if it is not. Or, if you experienced being abandoned at one point in your life, you may be more sensitive to perceived abandonment again.

Many of us have emotional raw spots, and when our response feels out of proportion to the offense, we can prayerfully consider:

Is this conflict “inflaming” a raw spot for me?
Is this offense poking at an old wound within my heart?
Although my reaction makes sense to me, it may not make sense to others who don’t know my raw spot.

3. How is God Using This Experience in My Life?

Although we would like to learn through joyful, harmonious experiences, the reality is that God in His great wisdom often uses painful situations to help develop character (James 1:1), to reveal areas of wounding, unforgiveness or bitterness that need to be addressed, and to propel us on a journey to healing and a deeper experience of Him. This is part of the “sanctification process.”

Throughout Scripture, we see God use difficult, painful circumstances as His providential way of working all things “for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV). The story of Joseph is a perfect illustration of this. Although he was cruelly betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, and unjustly imprisoned, Joseph saw God’s invisible hand in all of his difficult circumstances. He ultimately became the leader of Egypt who saved the nation from famine, forgave his brothers, and in the process, preserved the lineage of the people who would become the nation of Israel (Genesis 37-50).

Seeing God’s invisible hand and purposes can be a difficult perspective to embrace in the moment when we are triggered by a painful experience, or when we have been mistreated or wounded. However, as we begin to open our eyes to God’s deep care for us and presence with us–even in the most painful moments–we can begin to shift our perspective and see potential for growth in ourselves and our relationships.

Questions for reflection:

How might God use this painful experience in my life in the future?
What issue is God going after in my heart that will develop my character or integrity?
What are some ways that good could come out of this situation?

4. What Would I Like the Future of the Relationship or Controversy to Look Like?

As we prayerfully consider what good can result from our experience of conflict and pain, we can take the next step to imagine what a positive outcome might look like in the future after God has accomplished His purposes.

Here are some questions to consider as we imagine what we would like the future of the relationship or conflict to look like:

What might healing look like in this relationship? What would need to change?
How would l like to act or show up differently in a similar situation next time?
What areas of my character might grow as a result of this?
How will I be more mature in the ways I relate to others as a result of this conflict?
What healthy boundaries do I need to develop in the future?
Where do I need to be more understanding and compassionate? How will I show this?
With whom may I need to engage? Is there anyone from whom I need to ask forgiveness? What might be holding me back?

5. How Can I Move Forward With More Wisdom Now?

As we wrestle with hurt, unforgiveness, and the temptation toward bitterness, we can lean on our companions in the journey! It is wise to consult safe people who can provide an outside perspective, and “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) in order to help us discern how to move forward well. Safe and trusted people can help us gain a broader view as we take necessary steps toward a positive outcome, and remind us that God can use conflict and pain for tremendous good in our lives and those around us.

If you are interested in counseling or mediation for a difficult situation, ServingLeaders is here to help. Learn more about our services and fill out a confidential inquiry form. It is our deep joy to see many relationships restored, raw spots healed, and individuals move forward with confidence in God’s healing work, even in the most painful circumstances.

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Dave Wiedis, J.D., M.S.C.C. established ServingLeaders in 2007 to provide a respite of pastoral care, training and encouragement for those facing ministry challenges. Since then, ServingLeaders has had the privilege of serving thousands of ministry leaders and their families in the U.S. and abroad through pastoral care, counseling, ministry coaching, mediation, legal consultations, seminars, retreats, and more. Dave earned his J.D. from Villanova Law School and his Master’s degree in Christian Counseling from Cairn University. In addition to his full-time counseling practice, Dave speaks regularly at churches, pastors’ conferences and retreats.

Laura Nagy, M.S., R.D., L.D.N., C.P.T. is a nationally certified Wellness Coach who earned her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in Nutrition and Dietetics from West Chester University and Bowling Green State University, respectively, and her Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Immaculata University. Laura has a deep passion for helping her clients, whether they are beginners to fitness, struggling with a diagnosis, desiring to create a nutrition plan, working on being in a healthy-sized body, or undergoing physical or emotional stress. She considers it a privilege to partner with her clients, building personalized nutrition and workout plans to achieve short and long-term wellness goals and helping them become the healthiest, most vibrant version of themselves, inside and out.