A Liturgy of Dependence and the Lure of Self-Sufficiency

Joe Bruni, Copyright 2022

“The constant danger for those of us who enter the ranks of the ordained is that we take on a role, a professional religious role, that gradually obliterates the life of the soul… Humility recedes as leadership advances.” - Marva Dawn & Eugene Peterson

One of the primary habit-forming practices in our world and particularly in our country today is that of self-sufficiency. The “sovereign self” is an ultimate good in our culture today, and we are being shepherded to believe that the purest form of identity formation and expression come from within, independent of others’ influences or constraints. It is the power of pride and the myth of self-sufficiency that we celebrate and see on display in media, marketing, art, and pop-culture. It should not surprise us then that these same rhythms of independence and self-sufficiency are on display in ministry leadership today, as well. It doesn’t necessarily start out as our mindset, although it is part of the cultural water in which we swim. But when we end up leading churches or ministries full of Christians who also swim in that same cultural water and have found success through “being their own boss,” self-sufficiency becomes not just the temptation, but the expectation for leaders. 

Leadership can be lonely and involves a determination to pioneer forward and call others to follow as you stand strong, out in front, even when things are hard. Leaders, we observe, “make it happen” when there is resistance and obstacles. Their determination, discipline, and talent put them forward as leaders and propel them into positions of authority and autonomy. Are these leadership traits that often exhibit perseverance, integrity, and sacrifice bad or wrong? Yes and no–context is everything. But in the context of pride and preservation, raw self-sufficiency and talent can get you pretty far, but it cannot sustain you for the long haul or bear long-term fruit. 

Pride loves to creep its way into every corner of our lives. When we are put in a position of leadership, the potential for idolatry and pride doesn’t shrink–it expands. For those in ministry leadership or any position/relationship of spiritual leadership, there is an irony. We are entrusted with a great task to lead and serve, to proclaim and shepherd, to model faithfulness. And yet, we are called to be authentic, to remain wholehearted and humble, to sacrifice and suffer, to be vulnerable, modeling weakness and dependency in the context of community.

The Lure of Self-Sufficiency

The lure of self-sufficiency is, at its core, resistance. Resistance to dependency, submission (to the Lordship of Christ or anyone else for that matter), and vulnerability. This resistance can be subtle but still very present in ministry leadership. We come in with vision, passion, training, and talent… Why else would we have been called? And yet we quickly grow tired of waiting on those around us; being let down by them. Disappointment can be found lurking around every corner. The very people we are called to shepherd quickly become a barrier to accomplishing our–or we’d say, God’s–work. 

All this makes insulating and relying on ourselves so much easier. It gives us more control, more freedom to do things “the way they should be done,” and more of a buffer from others making a mess of things or seeing our weaknesses. If we can only hide (most of) our weaknesses (a little faux-vulnerability will be necessary for the perception of authenticity), and focus on what God has gifted us to do and get a group of people around us to do what we want them to do, then everything will work out right–or so we believe. And when we do depend on others and for some reason something is not successful, we can easily pass the blame for those failures on to the “others” who didn’t really do what we told them to do. This becomes the easy way out and a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives us to then rely on ourselves even more. 

The Applause of Self-Sufficiency

And this gets reinforced so often by those who follow us. The applause of self-sufficiency is part of the reinforcement loop in our journey toward unhealthy pride and independence in leadership. Self-sufficiency is not only applauded but ultimately expected. They did hire you for your experience and talent and don’t want to think their leader is weak or inadequate. No one wants a needy, vulnerable leader who confesses failures, gets “weighed-down” by others, is emotionally affected by pain or loss, or one who goes through seasons of doubt or exhaustion. We don’t want that kind of person leading us. We want strength, security, success, and even popularity (or at least the perception of it). 

But this is a two-edged sword because along with the applause comes an “armchair criticism,” an untenable expectation and unrealistic image of who we as leaders should be. This inevitably leads to being unjustly critiqued and criticized. Ministry leadership comes with the very challenging relational pains of being abandoned and dismissed, betrayed and wounded–often by those closest to us. If leadership is lonely and we’re tempted toward self-sufficiency, then leadership is also dangerous, tempting us toward self-preservation–staying at arms length and protecting ourselves from any real opportunity to be hurt by others. You don’t have to be in a leadership position, especially in a ministry context, very long to be hurt and betrayed by others. You will almost certainly experience a sense of abandonment and antagonism from which you want to insulate yourself. 

The “Fruits” of Self-Sufficiency

One of the outcomes of self-sufficiency in leadership is burnout. There is a natural burnout that comes simply from exhaustion and a lack of practically stewarding our lives while burning the candle at both ends. This burnout happens to even the most spiritually and emotionally healthy leaders. But the burnout that comes from independently holding it all together is more pervasive and destructive. This kind of soul fatigue comes more from how we work. In this pattern it is very easy to get “fed up” and bitter. We have, for good and bad reasons, been hurt by others. There is both a subtlety and power in the burnout that comes from getting fed up and bitter. Bitterness and contempt toward those who have hurt us can begin to fester, reinforcing pride and self-justification. When cultivated, you make yourself the “hero of the story,” and consider the "bad people" who have hurt you as enemies not just of you personally, but of God himself

If we find ourselves in a position where we have contempt for people and feel that God’s grace towards them is hard to swallow, it is a clear indicator that we are distancing ourselves from the very source of that grace. There are so many sobering stories in the scriptures that remind us that the one who is the "most lost" and the most resistant to God's work, in themselves and in the world, is the one who resists God’s radical grace by creating categories of people who are worthy or unworthy of it. 

God's grace is agonizing and antagonizing to them because He extends it to "the worst kind of undeserving person." Consider, for example, Jonah who refused to bring the Good News to Nineveh despite God’s clear calling, or the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable who was furious at his lost younger brother’s return home. In the sobering final turns of the narrative, the most lost and hardened were the “leaders,” those who started out closest to God, while the ones whom we would call “too far gone” are the very ones who receive God's grace. Jesus told the pharisees, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you.” (Matthew 21:31)

A Liturgy of Dependence

“He meets us where we are, as creatures of habit who are shaped by practices, and invites us into a community of practice that is the very body of his Son. Liturgy is the way we learn to 'put on' Christ.- James K.A. Smith

Rhythms and practices that form the habits of “setting our hearts and minds on things above” (Colossians 3:1-4) as Paul instructs us in Colossians 3, are vital to the Christian life; to be those who are “putting off our old self” and “putting on our new self” (Colossians 3:5-11). This is particularly true for ministry leaders. The image Paul gives us is of clothing: to “clothe ourselves” with the fruit of the Spirit in this ongoing heart-forming, habitual, liturgical practice of “putting on Christ” and “putting off our sinful self.”

We all have our own routines of what, when, and why we wear the clothes we wear. When I was on Young Life staff I would sometimes change 4-5 times a day. I would wake up for a breakfast meeting with an adult from the community and put on my business casual outfit. Then I’d come home, dress down a bit, and head over to Eastern or Villanova University to meet with our college-age leaders. After that I’d run home and change into something even more casual before heading to the high school to watch a lacrosse game and connect with some students… You get the idea. Now that may have been a bit unique, but it’s ultimately true for all of us that we dress for the role we want to play and the person we want to be. 

Ironically, we just experienced a disruption in how we clothe ourselves. When COVID hit, and everything went online and virtual, the clothing we put on changed. I don’t know about you but for me it involved looking good from the waist up and being extremely casual from the waist down. The amount of “soft pants” I now have in my wardrobe has increased significantly. We are now reentering face-to-face daily rhythms and having to rethink or remind ourselves of proper attire. 

It is the same thoughtful habits of clothing ourselves with “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” that will facilitate dependence. Developing a liturgy of complete and utter reliance is our only way to strength. What is the alternative liturgy: the “opposing” pattern and rhythm to self-sufficiency? Rhythms of dependence. Our sufficient Lord and Savior, through the cross and resurrection, has made a way of bringing the final answers of grace, redemption and reconciliation into the irreconcilable tension of our sinful hearts, our struggling families, our dysfunctional ministry teams, our broken and hurting congregations, our lost and lonely communities. We preach this to our people but then turn around and don’t–or won’t–preach it to ourselves. 

Even our greatest hurts in ministry leadership can find healing when we see others through the lens of the cross and ourselves as the ones who need His grace most desperately. Clothing ourselves in humility leads to vulnerability and reconciliation, even though we are certainly exposed to more hurt and betrayal. In God’s economy, this is a better option than the pride which allows us to so dangerously slip into hardness of heart, not only toward those who have wronged us but to the very One who extends healing and grace. 

We need to develop rhythms and relationships of repentant self-reflection that reverse the patterns of prideful image-management and self-revelation. In these rhythms and through these relationships we will, in humility and weakness, abide more deeply in Christ and find His grace to be beyond amazing. If we can, by the gracious work of the Holy Spirit, develop an infectious rhythm of deepening our grasp of our own need, sin, and brokenness, we can learn to view those who have hurt us as lovable, forgivable, and redeemable… and no longer in the category of “obstacle” or “enemy.” God’s grace extends even farther for us who are called to gospel ministry. We as leaders and servants are also chief sinners. How amazing is His grace that we would be called shepherds of God’s flock, preaching the word and administering the sacraments! God’s grace should be sweeter to us than anyone else. We should savor it and proclaim it first and frequently to ourselves, then to others and even to those “bad people” out there.