Cheryl Flannery,, Copyright 2020
I have been blessed to serve in the local church for 30 years.
Not as a ministry leader, but as the spouse of a ministry leader. I have ministered to almost every age group there is - from the nursery to women’s ministry.
My husband and I have served in urban, suburban, and rural settings both in the southwest and in the northeast. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything!
The variety of people and places flood my mind with fond memories and gratefulness for all those churches the Lord placed us in. I’m so grateful for the diversity of people and experiences that shaped who we are today.
I love the life and ministry the Lord has graciously led us into. I still have a deep longing to make an eternal impact for the glory of God.
However, there are unique challenges to full-time ministry: many pastors’ wives experience a deep sense of loneliness and isolation for a variety of reasons.
The church community should be a place where believers find encouragement, acceptance and grace. In turn, they’re able to grow in their relationship with the Lord and as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Yet, for someone in leadership, it is often rare to find a group where it is safe to share their heart openly and honestly. We were thinking how faith based counseling could be great for a family like ours.
Why is this the case? One of the reasons is that ministry leaders and their spouses are often struggling with relational pain. This relational pain is a result of criticism that comes from inside their church.
Criticism often arises around leadership style or the vision and direction into which they are leading the congregation.
The pain is even more profound because such criticism often comes from the very people the leaders are called to serve sacrificially. This can result in a tendency to build walls of protection around their hearts. Faith based counseling can help you work through that deconstruction and restructuring.
Ultimately, pastors’ wives view their husbands as both partners in life and ministry. Because of this, it is especially painful for spouses to hear criticism regarding their job performance.
Ministry spouses often suffer silently in the background. Many times, no one knows but their family and closest friends.
Therefore, we need a safe place where we - spouses of pastors - can find confidentiality, community, and connection outside of our church community. A place where we can join together with others who have experienced the same challenges.
If God has provided a trusted friend(s), that is a blessing. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, as pastors move to various geographical locations that most likely are not near family.
Each time there is a job transition it almost always includes a geographic relocation, leaving behind friendships that we have invested in for years. Living in various places in the U.S. has been an enriching experience for our family.
Yet, at the same time, each transition has meant saying good-bye to congregants who have been like family to us.
The role we have been called to requires a dependency on the Lord. Plus, a vision of Heaven where we can look forward to being reunited in both proximity and in unity.
Additionally, there are times when members of your church family who are close friends leave to find a new church home. Faith based counseling can help walk you through these extremely challenging processes.
Criticism from our faith family, both deserved or undeserved, is a universal experience among church staff. It is as hurtful to their spouse as it is to the leader themselves.
We need to realize, however, that this type of suffering is not a unique and isolated experience.
It’s inherent in Christian leadership.
We know this because the writer of Hebrews tells us that the work of a leader can be a burden.
He felt the necessity to correct and encourage his readers: “Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you” (Hebrews 13:7).
There are costs to accepting the call of full-time ministry that we consider before we ever step into the role. Faith based counseling, when properly used, can help. Even so, considering and agreeing to the cost doesn’t mean that walking through those sacrifices will be easy.
How we respond in our heart to pain and disappointment in the context of our ministry is important to our spiritual transformation. We need others with whom we can be transparent and authentic to walk that path with us.
Our relationship with the Lord and His Word will be key to how we fulfill our important role as a partner in ministry.
Not only that, it will also affect our most significant relationships and ultimately, the body of believers we serve.