When Relationships Hurt (Part 2): Stepping Back to Better Move Toward

This article is Part II in a series on navigating and healing from over-responsibility in relationships. Here is a summary of what we covered in Part I: God’s design for intimacy combined with our brokenness means there will be necessary times to step back in our relationships. We step back to dignify the other person and their choices, protect the relationship, steward our power in the relationship, and demonstrate faith in God’s timing and process of changing us and our relationship. Thus, allowing or maintaining distance according to God’s purposes does not interfere with our ability to pursue intimacy but rather enhances it.

In this blog, I will outline how stepping back allows us to both strengthen the weaknesses in our relationship with God and gain essential insight into our relational dynamics. As we address where we misstep and why, we will be better positioned to take steps toward genuine intimacy with the other person.

Observe Our Assumptions About God’s Involvement and Expectations

I didn’t attend a Christian school growing up, but I’ve heard stories about how chaperones at school dances would approach couples who were dancing too closely to remind them to “leave room for the Holy Spirit.” We chuckle at this, but I think the suggestion is appropriate in our difficult relationships, especially those where we have been hesitant to allow or create distance. A lack of “room” can make it harder to remember that there is a third “person” present.

One possible starting place is this question: What do you believe about God’s role and responsibilities in your relationships?:

Do you entrust God with this relationship, and do you believe that he desires redemption and intimacy for it even more than you do? Or does the slowness of change and the pain you experience make you think he’s absent or waiting for you to get it right before he steps in to help?
Do you entrust God with this person’s safety, well-being, and sanctification? Or are you worried that you care more for this person than God does?
Do you draw your identity from God’s assessment of you? Or does this person’s assessment or treatment of you get the final word?
Do you believe his words that suffering in your relationships is a reminder of your union with Christ (Rom 8:17-25)? Or do you assume that suffering signifies that you are on the wrong track?
Do you believe that God will provide fruit in the long run if you are faithful to him? Or are you quick to abandon his ways when they don’t provide immediate results?
When you feel hopeful or hurt by this relationship, is your first instinct to turn to God and share this with him? Or do you turn away from him, and take it upon yourself to preserve what is good or prevent what is bad?

To summarize, what do you need to believe about God to hand ultimate responsibility for this person or this relationship over to him?

Arm Yourself With Scripture

To take it a step further, what passages can help steady you when you are tempted to take this responsibility back from God? Here are a couple of my go-to’s.

When I am tempted to force reconciliation prematurely to protect myself from feelings of rejection or abandonment, Psalm 27:10 comforts me: “My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.”
When I’m tempted to assume someone else’s rejection or mistreatment is a sign that I did something wrong, I remember 1 Peter 4: “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you…rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings…If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you” (v.12–14).

Arming yourself with Scripture will help you get over the rough spots. Staying grounded in God’s story and your place within it will pay dividends. Also, because we so easily forget that our place is to live in the already-not-yet—the space between Christ’s first and second coming—stepping back offers an opportunity to face our present reality with God, grieve with him, and embrace the real hope that he offers.

I’ve seen my increasing need for this in recent years as, for several unavoidable reasons (including a pandemic), I’ve had fewer opportunities to be physically present with loved ones. I’ve wrestled with why I feel so lonely when technology keeps me constantly communicating and connecting with others because I’ve forgotten that this will never be a suitable replacement for engaging someone face-to-face. And sometimes I confuse my inability to change the situation with a call to be satisfied with the results.

God, however, never asks us to settle for less. On the contrary, he calls us to acknowledge that broken, painful, or disconnected relationships are not the best he has for us, nor are they what he wants for us. God hates that we are separated from each other, whether it be a result of our difficult circumstances or our relational shortcomings. We ought to grieve and long for more because God himself grieves and longs for more. He grieves for and with us. Our grief and longing connect us with the heart of our God. Grief sobers and protects us from settling for the false intimacy we are tempted to force this side of heaven. It also helps us appreciate the true intimacy that he cultivates now and deepens our hope that he will restore all intimacy when he returns. The day is coming when we will not only see him face-to-face, but we will also know perfect closeness with each other.

Consider your difficult relationship. Imagine what it will look like when your love for each other perfectly reflects the description in 1 Corinthians 13. Imagine engaging with each other with perfect patience, kindness, humility, sensitivity, selflessness, forbearance, grace, encouragement, charity, and devotion. Let this vision wash over you when you are faced with separation. Let it guard you against being resigned to anything less, and let it guide you to look for the small signs of growth—in you or the other person—that you would have previously overlooked.

In those moments when you need to step back, receive this reminder: God is with you. Though he will sanctify your suffering, this is not the way life is supposed to be, and it is not the way it will always be.

Pursue and Prioritize Insight and Intentionality

Distance provides the opportunity to pursue and prioritize the insight we need to uncover blind spots and the intentionality needed to actually change the dynamic from destructive to God-honoring.

Again, focus on some of the difficult or harmful interactions you’ve had, and ask these questions to gain more awareness of the troubling dynamics you would like to change:

What patterns do you see unfolding over and over again between you and this person? If the pattern is unclear, consider a recent example (or two) of this type of interaction and draw a timeline that shows how the interaction unfolded.
Then consider: where did the relationship turn negative, either in terms of how you felt or behaved, or how the other person behaved, and what unspoken expectations were at play that might have impacted your choices? Were there places where you resisted allowing or creating distance that might have been beneficial or appropriate, and why?
What do you want to do differently next time? What steps would you need to take to change the pattern, and what kind of encouragement or faith do you need to take these steps?

Then consider and plan the steps needed to change the dynamic:

Consider what prompts, opportunities, or triggers you might encounter and how you would like to respond to them differently. For example, consider in advance what information is appropriate to share or choices you’re willing to make, and how you could respond or redirect if the other person asks you to do something you’re not comfortable doing.
Consider the internal and external markers or evidence that the dynamic is taking a negative turn and at what points you will need to do something different or new. Plan ways to communicate that you respect the other’s choice to step back. Or take a step back yourself (when nothing else comes to mind, voicing your need for a restroom break is always an option!).
Consider the kind of routines and support you need to increase the likelihood of success, including taking a moment to mentally prepare, remember God’s promises, and pray before entering the room, or having friends who might be on call to text or talk when you need reminders.

Remember, whenever we allow or create space, it’s an opportunity to invite God in, grow in clarity, and plan our next steps. If we truly believe that our intimacy is dependent upon God’s wisdom and timing, we actually have the freedom to pursue space for the sake of honoring both God and the other person and strengthening the relationship.

This is Part II in a series on navigating and healing from over-responsibility in relationships.

Laura Andrews has been counseling, consulting, coaching, teaching, and writing since 2009, and one of her greatest passions is strengthening and supporting ministry leaders and their families. She holds an MDiv in Counseling from Westminster Theological Seminary and is currently pursuing a certificate in Evidence-Based Coaching at Fielding Graduate University. She most recently held a faculty role at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF) and was a lecturer at Westminster Theological Seminary. Her specialty is working with those struggling with over-responsibility, recovering from ministry trauma or burnout, or navigating difficult relational dynamics or life transitions.